every day is a gift

but sometimes its a polyester tie or some grandma slippers.

i've had a lot of girl's nights lately and have discovered that our conversations are somewhat altered from what they used to be - now the discussions quickly turn to menopause, chin hairs and colonoscopies. its like someone flipped a switch and we were transformed from run of the mill middle-aged people into seniors who listen to talk radio and groan when they get off the couch.

when i see fat celebrities on tv, i figure its only a matter of time before they jump on the anorexic band wagon and declare they're going organic or 'raw' and are going to start competing in marathons or something. i was watching melissa mccarthy on ellen yesterday and i think she's completely fabulous, but its hard to get around the fact that she's a bit large. and you can't be huge in plastic actor land. i'm so glad i don't live in california anymore.

belly fat is a sneaky little bastard

so over the holidays i lost a few pounds (yes, i'm bragging just a tiny bit). but that was because i subsisted (is that the right word?) on chex mix, red wine and stress. and i stayed far away from heidi's christmas crack. once you start with that crack, its a monkey on your back (omg, i'm a rapper now).

BUT (to the whole paragraph above), i went to a yoga class today in a horizontal-striped tank top and i looked like a welterweight heifer next to the skinny little yogi bitches in there. i learned something though - never wear horizontal stripes. apparently 6 straight days of mexican food and peanut butter filled pretzels are a sure fire way to gain 17 pounds.

this is a broom:

its a handy, new-fangled device which when pushed firmly (and with purpose!) across the floor has the capability of gathering all sorts of crap - leaves, pecan shells, dirt, grass, crumbs, cat hair, moron hair, girl hair -- its a miracle!!! and its quite possible that not everyone has heard of this ingenious new development in detritus gathering.

i'm still a loser in case anyone was wondering.

happy friday,

tricia

i'm still on the gift giving subject

i also love it when you stuff a gift bag full of tissue paper and when the recipient retrieves the gift(s), they always dig around just a little longer to see if there's one more thing (this story was much funnier in my head).

i am a compulsive neat freak. its supposed to rain for the next 72 hours but i still felt it necessary to clean my carpet today. which doesn't sound incredibly stupid until you know about the dog door and the giant, furry mud morons that live with me. the vacuum cleaner and i have a very special relationship.

i heard 'whole foods' called 'whole paycheck' the other day and i'm stealing that phrase for my own.

my dog's breath smells like cat pooh, cause she probably just ate some. i think she thinks its almond roca cause she's always so excited to find some in the yard.

i'm cleaning my oven!

not really. but that sounded so productive.

i discovered that my glove box is a liar -- there are no actual gloves in there; just 47 starbucks napkins and 2 boxes of tampons. after all these years, why do car companies still call them glove boxes? i think 'mobile junk drawer' is much more applicable.

contradictory to what most people (jeff) believe of me, i CAN actually be nice. i had a temp job yesterday (i recommend that only chimpanzees do this) and they LOVED me. they wanted to hire me permanently; i politely told them to bugger off - and they STILL loved me.

being a temp does sort of make me feel like a loser though. some coworkers definitely treat you like an imbecile. so, i'm almost 50, i have no job, don't own a house and still can't fold a fitted sheet. i can't wait to share that info at my 30th year class reunion. my classmates will be so envious.

be all you can be

WHY is it that everyone wants so much to be something they're not:

shinier hair
tighter abs
whiter teeth
longer eyelashes
smaller pores
fatter hair
tighter butt
poutier lips
bigger boobs
wrinkle-free face
hairless everything

barbie-doll worship (which they've outlawed in iran - not the worship part, but the barbie dolls). if i spent all my time trying to achieve all of the above, i'd have no time to sleep (not that i can sleep), but still. or perhaps i'm just a bitter old woman who's ass will never be uplifted again (maybe i need joel osteen's assistance). my goal is to be the exact opposite of the above - grey, saggy, stained, stubby, flat, creased and hairy. in fact, i have realized at least one of those attributes, but i'm not telling which.

i've also decided that i need a new nickname, like "the unit", or "love porkchop"or something similarly ridiculous (or "ridic" if i was 20). truthfully, someone named me love porkchop once when i was on the school bus in 4th grade; i wish i could remember why. but i know i liked it.

mtv is for the stupid generation.

i AM NOT watching 'jersey shore' right now.

tricia

give good gift

i think i give good gifts (this is not a lie). i like to put a lot of thought into the perfect present for my loved ones and friends. but you just never know. i've certainly seen the 'what the hell is this' look when watching for the present perfection reaction. personally, i have extreme dislike for opening gifts in front of people. you have to show courtesy excitement (like when someone is telling you about their fabulous vacation to the south of france and you're trying to act like you give a shit). 

i just finished watching the 3rd installment of the documentary about the west memphis 3 - a story of 3 teens who were deemed devil worshippers (for listening to metallica & wearing black) and therefore sacrificial murderers back in 1993 in the wal-mart state. see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Memphis_Three to get completely angry. in watching all of the movies dedicated to this ridiculous tale of injustice, i'm fully convinced that everyone from arkansas: 1) "tawks lak hix"; 2) has never heard of toothpaste; and 3) has smoker's lips. look it up and watch it - its completely mesmerizing.

my husband has rubbed off on me (this is not meant to be interpreted as 'dirty talk') - i'm sitting here by myself watching the nfl playoffs. and i seem to care who wins. for no reason. why are all quarterbacks caucasian? i know donovan mcnabb is probably one of several exceptions - but still. why are there no female football coaches for the nfl? i think football teams should get vertical striped uniforms so no one knows who the refs are.

lies, lies, lies . . . or not

1) absence makes the heart grow fonder
2) at&t has the most awesome customer service
3) tebow is god's choice for superbowl xvli
4) hoodies make one sexier
5) the most senstive part of a dog is its nipples

truth is hard like a 5 day old bagel.

tricia